In Hand. At Heart.

Another list.

I have so much in my head all the time and writing is one of my most satisfying outlets. I haven't been choosing it lately, and that will just...be. 

Here's a list, an update, an admission, a record of right now.

1. I'm over-committed and there isn't a visible end to it yet. I feel burnt.

2. The emotional transition that I thought had reached it's zenith a while ago is still in progress and I no longer feel that there is an end to it. Which, while vastly intimidating, is also oddly encouraging. No matter how difficult it feels, it still feels like I am exactly where I need to be.

3. This transition centers around me speaking my truth and being fully expressed to others about my feelings and needs. I've acknowledged my fear of this before, however for the first time, I am allowing myself to really feel it, and it's terrifying.

4. It's also exhilarating because I'm closer than ever before to making the changes I need to.

5. A stranger climbed through my kitchen window two weeks ago and stole my purse. It was in the middle of the night and I was in my apartment, 3 feet away from this person, asleep. The vulnerability of that moment is hard to shake, and my safe place, my respite, no longer feels the same. On the 3rd day after it happened, I forced myself to turn off the night light and become unfettered by my fear. It worked insofar as I slept, although it has come with the cost of being tired and ill at ease. I expect these feelings will pass, as I am willing them to...although I am pissed off and frightened that it happened. While I don't believe that someone will come into my home again, thoughts of what didn't happen, what I narrowly escaped, are all around me when I am here.

6. I re-injured my knee after 15 years of no issues. It happened in a passive moment, as I shifted in my chair. Searing, hot pain flared as my knee shifted out of place. It barely slowed me down (did I mention that I was over-committed?), and I am grateful for my body's ability to get me through my day. However, emotionally, this injury has shifted me. I no longer have the same confidence in my body, and I have become hyper-aware of how I treat it. 

7. I've slipped off of every conscious food choice I was making and have eaten every bit of sugar and bread within my radius that is not nailed down. My pants are tight. What's different is that I'm beating myself up (slightly) less, and just letting it be. I've always used food for comfort, and I've acknowledged that right now, I need a lot of fucking comfort.

8. This will not stand. There are other ways to comfort myself.

9. I'm completely twisted over my friendship with P. We've continued to spend a lot of time together, and I've continued to have feelings for him...and reignite a pattern that I set in place with all the men I am interested in. I shape shift into the amounts of intimacy and care I receive and tell myself that it's enough, when it's absolutely not. I analyze and dissect moments and find reasons to hang in there, to believe that friendship is enough, and most foolishly, to wait for it to turn into more.

A few weeks ago, we went out to dinner in North Beach and sat at one of the outdoor cafes on Columbus Avenue. It was the first time either of us had done that, and as we settled into our meals I realized that we were essentially on a date. We were on our best behavior with one another, table manners fully intact. We were shy at first but quickly delved into personal topics and spaces.

He has been explicitly clear to me about not wanting to be in a relationship. He has spoken of his fear of it, his hesitancy, his inability. This conversation occurred weeks ago and I stuck in there, telling myself that the connection we have was enough to justify me settling for just enough. And yet, here I was. Across the table from this man I adore, giving the moment all of me. My kindness, my humor, my intelligence. Those elements were reciprocated, however I realized that those parts of me are too much to give to a person who cannot and will not be more to me. Because it closes the door to anyone else, and makes it more difficult for me to believe that there is a man out there who is my match without me having to make compromises and justifications to fit the space he holds for me. 

10. I've begun to shift out of our friendship. It's been messy and confusing, and sometimes I can't do it without being a bitch. This feels terrible and the piece that it missing is telling him why this shift has occurred.

11. It scares me to be that vulnerable and honest even though it's the right thing to do.

12. #11 applies to many other areas in my life.

13. I have intimacy issues, duh.

14. I also create mighty evidence to the contrary. 

15. I miss my LA and my friends.

16. I graduated in December with a 3.8, and I am damn proud of having a Masters degree in Psychology.

17. I'm amazing. 

18. I promise to say that more.

xo.

Interlude

I fully intend to work my way through the #resound posts, although I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past few months, days, hours, minutes. 

I've recently eschewed the notion of creating resolutions at the beginning of the year. I often feel like I am not up to keeping a promise to myself for a year, and the mere thought makes me want to buckle under it.

This year I'm reconsidering this idea.

There is a collective consciousness that surrounds the ending of one year and the beginning of another. I feel that we are all, in our unique and meaningful ways, taking stock of things and events that have happened in 2011 and considering those things that haven't. And we are also looking forward to the things that we intend to accomplish in the days and months and year ahead of us. 

For me, rather than looking at resolutions from the perspective of lack and failure, or from where I could have been better or different, this year I'm choosing something else.

I'm been in the middle of an emotional sea change that began in August, and that reached it's zenith two weeks ago. I realized how important it is for me to step into my feelings and express them without being consumed by the fear and insecurity that I so easily allow to hold me back. 

It has become vitally necessary for me to be at peace with my inner world and to not have regrets. This perspective evolved exponentially once I began to spend time with people who are at the end of their life; some of whom no longer have the use of language or any traditional means to express themselves. 

I have the means right now. Right this minute. 

No longer will my fear of being rejected by others be bigger than my desire and need to be seen and heard.

I am grateful for a community of friends who continually support this in me. The truth is that I have been my own biggest obstacle when it comes to being vulnerable and believing that I am worth the hugeness that comes with being a part of a loving and intimate relationship.

Moving forward into this new year that I am so fortunate to be alive for, I will step into believing that I am enough, that I am deserving of love, without giving in to self-doubt and fear.

Shakespeare encapsulated this feeling that is radiating through me with these simple words...

This above all: to thine own self be true. 

xo.

#resound11: Theme Song

If your life was a television show, what would its theme song be? What music would be cued at the start of the show or when you entered a scene?

Think about this past year. Is there a song that you've heard that has really struck a chord, one that has spoken to you? Maybe there's a song that goes along with your one word for 2011. Maybe there is a song that you've heard that instantly cheers you up or makes you think of a special moment that happened this year?

 

Ben Harper was a huge part of my musical world this year, and here are the three songs that reflect this most deeply.

 

#1 Where Could I Go

 

The band began fully plugged in. It was the first time I had heard this song, as I was not yet familiar with the gospel in Ben Harper's repertoire. He powerfully sang a few verses into the microphone, and then stepped to the edge of the stage. I was there, standing in the middle, one person back. (You can see my head if you really want to.)

All of us in the audience looked at each other as Ben Harper stood with eyes closed, his toes touching the edge. And then he leaned his head back and sang and sang and sang. Without a microphone. His voice filled up the entire Warfield in ways that I could feel. The audience was at once dumbstruck and dumbfounded, with chills dancing up our spines. It was an amazing moment to be a part of and it absolutely changed me. 

 

#2 Lifeline

 

 

Life is much too short to sit and wonder
Who's gonna make the next move and will slowly pull you under when you've always got something
to prove?

I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?

You say that I misheard you but I think you misspoke
I hear you laugh so loudly while I patiently await the joke

I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?
The lifeline, the lifeline

It's a crime with only victims
We're all laid out in a row
It's hardest to listen to what we already should know

I could hold out for a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for your lifeline?
The lifeline, your lifeline, the lifeline

 

 

Initially, I held someone else in my mind as I listened to this song. Someone who over the past year, I have developed deep feelings for. However, as the year wore on and I began to admit the fear and great hesitancy I have over letting him know how I feel, my perspective shifted and I listened differently to these lyrics, as if they were written for me, by me. 

 

#3 In the Colors

 

I will dance to this one at my wedding. 

#resound11: Super Power

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound ... we know you've got one. What's your 2011 superpower?

 

My hustle became very intense this year. With school, two jobs, and an internship, my hustle became my story and it was a way I could validate being so tired and checked out of social engagements, and unable to travel home as much as I wanted to. 

I handled my hustle mightily this year, and my body's ability to move me through all of my responsibilities felt like the stuff of greatness.

However, my super power in 2011 is decidedly not my hustle.

How droll.

As I became grounded in the emotional components of my internship and what it was calling forth in me, I became aware of something powerful in me very quickly.

The first time it happened was when I was sitting with a woman named Shirley. She was bed ridden, unable to speak, and in an indeterminable amount of constant pain.

I was intimidated by not having a traditional feedback loop with her. I could not depend on the cues I was used to through language and body movement. All she could do was look at me.

As I sat there, I felt all of my anxiety and uncertainty and fear, and willed it all to fade away. The moment was not only about me. It was able being there with her, being present with her.

It was a physical sensation. As my apprehension melted away, I looked at Shirley and she looked at me. And I felt myself drop into a purely feeling place. This place exists just below the level of tactile experience, and I discovered that getting there was easy for me.

In this place, I could feel Shirley. I could feel her thoughts and emotions, and I could transmit information. She was agitated by her pain, and as I sat there in this place with her, I let her know I understood. I acknowledged her great amount of pain, and let her know that in the moment we shared, we could be calm and peaceful, no matter how fleeting.

I felt her shift with me, and I began to get to know this fascinating person. 

All without words.

My super power is this deep reservoir of calm and feeling that I learned to access willingly. In this place, I am able to communicate through feeling, and I learned how to understand the information that is transmitted between others in this other state of awareness.

I am learning what it means and how it feels to be fully present with other person and it is absolutely the most super powerful thing I experienced in 2011.

#resound11: Virtues

What good have you done in 2011? Where do you really shine? What have you done that makes you proud of yourself?

 

The most delightful bit of good I did in 2011 was fulfilling my awesome responsibilities as the "Day Of" person at #nerdwedding2011.

In the weeks leading up to this joyous affair, I was curious over how I was going to be able to contribute because this event was a really big deal. Yes, because it was a destination wedding. Yes, because many of my beloved loved ones were going to be there. And, what made it the biggest deal of all, was that it involved one of my most favorite people. 

I've known Jason for over 20 years, and it meant the world to me to see and feel how he had found the love of his life.

It gave me hope. It made him shine. 

It was a huge thing for me to witness.

When he asked me to handle all of the day of details pertaining to the venue, the food, the guests, the staff...I freaked out. A little bit. On the inside.

And I said yes instantly.

And it was amazing. 

I was amazing. 

The day of, I remember flitting from here to there. I remember talking to the restaurant staff repeatedly about this, that, and the other thing...especially the chairs and seating. (Oh god, was there going to be enough for the grandmas and the extended fam? Oh shit, what was it about that second table?)

What I remember the most vividly was meeting Jason and Tiffany, the wedding party, and their parents as soon as they arrived, right before the ceremony.

I remember Tiffany's face, a little wide-eyed, and absolutely beautiful.

I remember Jason's face, a little wide-eyed, and his huge smile, so familiar to me after all the years of knowing him.

I remember Dominique, looking at me and saying how calm I was.

I remember Phyllis' face, utterly delighted.

I remember Kevin's face, totally bemused as he captured everything in that moment with his camera.

I remember letting all of them know that everything was handled, that it was all going to be okay. I remember the feeling of peace that washed over me as my intention for the ceremony to go off without a hitch settled into a certainty.

This is one thing I did in 2011 that I am extremely proud of. 

Thank you. <3

#resound11: Vices

Did you slip back into any old habits that you wish you hadn't? Did you gain any new habits that you wish you would have walked away from? Did you discover the evils of Nutella? 'Fess up ... we won't tell.

I quit smoking this year. It was my first attempt, and the first time I had ever gotten close to even wanting to. 

I enjoy smoking. I always have. I am aware of the dangers, and I am classically cliche in that I continued without abatement.

To be very honest, the desire to quit was actually a need to, as a result of a very intense cold that sidelined me for a few weeks. 

I lasted 3 weeks before I succumbed again to this habit, this vice.

 

I wanted the stress-relief I attributed to smoking, and I told myself that the level of stress I was feeling was enough of a reason to continue.

Apparently it was. 

 

#resound11: One Word

What is one word to describe your 2011? Why does that word sum up your year?

 

Compassion.

My 2011 feels like it was split into two parts: "Before Internship" and "After Internship." Both are wrought with shifting ideas of what it means to be compassionate to myself, and learning how to honor my deep compassion for others.

"Before Internship" was about me beating myself up over a lot, all the time, and not feeling good enough or deserving of the many things I desire from my life. To be fair, there were also many shining moments this year when I accepted my greatness. But what is most apparent to me looking back is how having compassion for myself, my pursuits, my challenges, my successes, was not a conscious choice. It was something I had to be reminded of, and usually when all the chips were down and I couldn't take it any more. 

"After Internship" feels very different. There is so much that I experience by spending time with people who are at or near the end of their life. The sadness and fear is a given, although consider how the experience of those feelings is shaped by the addition of brain damage and dementia. 

To survive, I immediately became aware of my invisible but familiar habit of being cruel to myself. It became very apparent how little compassion I extend inward on a regular basis.

To survive the emotionality that is being called forth, my awareness shifted into a practice. A practice that began with tuning into my inner dialog. It is evolving by acknowledging that being a therapist is what I am meant to do.

What I am called to do. 

It continues with the repetition of "I am enough."

 

So much.

I feel overwhelmed, I feel anxious, I feel sad. 

I feel grateful, I feel patient, I feel capable...when I let myself.

This journey is huge. Spending time with elders is everything and nothing like what I expected. I am given a lot of opportunities to process with my own therapy, individual supervision, and group supervision, and there is a lot coming up for me. Dying, death, loss, sadness.

I'm having a hard time learning where to put it all.

I talked about this in my own therapy and my therapist asked me if I had someone that I could call at the end of the day to check in about what's going on and what I'm feeling. 

I do and I don't. The other interns in my cohort have offered to talk outside of our responsibilities and there just hasn't been the time yet. Or if I'm being really honest, I haven't been able to reach out yet.

My way of processing is to internalize my feelings, work them out, and then express them when I already have a solution. 

I think I may have mentioned that that isn't working. :)

I realized that the last person I had daily check-ins with, where I was able to simply talk about hard transitions and my feelings and the things that we coming up, was my mom.

6 years ago.

I would call her every day on my way home from my big corporate gig and just unload about how hard it was, and how much I was learning, and how I felt, and what was challenging. There was no processing beforehand because she was my mom and I could be candid.

6 years ago.

I feel unbelievably sad about that.

Unbearably sad.

I fucked up royally on my schedule yesterday. There was a brunch planned where the interns had the opportunity to meet the families of the people we are working with. Where they had the chance to meet us.

There are multiple residential communities throughout the Bay Area, and for some unknown reason, I showed up on time in San Francisco, when I was supposed to be in Oakland. I called and let them know that there was no way I was going to make it over there and spent the rest of my day feeling horrible. Am I too overwhelmed to do this? Is there room in my life to take on this internship? Am I even capable?

I showed up this morning (this time, in the right place) and felt so anxious and embarrassed. My supervisor immediately made light of it and told me that it wasn't the end of the world; that there would be many other chances to meet the families.

I felt slightly better, breathed a sigh, and went about my day...intent on making the most of it.

Later, during my supervision (my supervisor and I meet for an hour to discuss my thoughts and feelings about the internship) she asked me how I was doing, and I told her about how I was beating myself up, and about how anxious I felt.

She just looked at me and said, "You look really sad to me. That's what I'm picking up from you."

I broke down.

I told her that being among these elders in this building feels so sad. That the loss is unbearable. That I don't know what to do about how I'm feeling. That there is so much grief coming up over my mom. Grief that I realizing I've done a lot of work not to feel.

She then told me that there are some interns who have a very hard time adjusting because of how sensitive they are.

"Energetically sensitive, highly intuitive, and feeling," she quickly added, sensing I was about to take out a hammer to beat myself over the head with.

We then talked about my self-care and she made suggestions over how I can cope. 

She said that rituals will become important. Going outside at the same time everyday, taking a walk, coming home and showering, talking to someone everyday.

She then suggested that I go to grief counseling, specifically for daughters who have lost their mothers. 

I left with a ton of resources...and the feeling of how hard it already felt to surrender to doing something like that.

However, I know and feel that if I don't, I may not get through this year intact.

So much.

Remember to remember.

I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat, acutely missing my loved ones and feeling very homesick.

This happens fairly often, and particularly during huge moments of transition.

I am so wistful for the opportunities I no longer have to simply make a phone call and sit in front of my nearest and dearest for breakfast, coffee, or a cocktail.

It took a well-timed call from Anna to calm me down and to give me some much needed perspective.

Thank you for reminding me that this is the hustle, and that everyone is just a phone call away. This is so simple, and I forget easily when I get wrapped up in my day to day. So grateful for you, lady.

Tomorrow is my first official day as an MFT intern. There is much to do and much more to not do, so to speak. Really, all I have to do is show up and be grounded, intent on doing my best and making a difference. With those two elements in place, everything else will work out.

I will remember to remember this. 

xo.

Doing it differently.

I was having a lot of trouble processing and thinking over the very emotional days of training yesterday and today.

The certainty I felt previously gave way to fear and judgement. Fear over the unconventional practices that are being taught to us, and judgement over their validity. 

I also directed a lot of judgement toward myself over my inability to accept the unknown.

I went to lunch today with the interns in my group, to talk over what we have learned and experienced, and to discuss my feelings over the challenges I felt. It didn't go the way I wanted it to. Initially I felt solidarity and comfort when I heard that they were having the same challenges I was, but I was so dismayed when it turned into a bitch session about the organization, about the staff, about the CEO. I was so uncomfortable with their negativity that I had a really hard time sitting with it. 

Even though some of it mirrored what I was feeling, I found that I didn't want my fears and judgements validated. I wanted a different perspective and didn't get it.

I really just wanted and needed someone to listen so I could be heard.

I took all of this to work with me. I walked for an hour before I got there and was able to calm down. I was grateful that I got to be in a place that was familiar and comforting and far beyond my training experience.

I was exhausted though. 

P saw me, saw my struggle, and took me out for coffee after work. As we were walking, the first thing he asked me was what was good about my day. I felt relieved and even though I refocused into a more positive frame of mind, I told him that I had a negative experience associated with each of my positive ones.

He looked at me and said, "Let's focus on the good right now. Just for right now."

I breathed and settled in.

When we sat down, I found myself asking all about him - anything to take the focus off of me. He indulged it and answered my questions, and then sat silently, looking at me, waiting.

I launched into everything I was feeling. I don't think I made much sense, but it felt so amazing to watch the reflection of my emotions cross his face as he listened intently.

I so needed this. I've been processing everything on my own, and was so disappointed when I didn't get to do it differently with my professional peers.

What I realized, is that the way I'm going to get through the experience of this internship is to talk about it. I'm feeling the need for community and friendship and I was having a really hard time asking for it, and acknowledging those people who are already in place.

He isn't the only one, but he's an important one. I have so many feelings wrapped up in our relationship, and lately I've been having the really unkind thought that with him, I've been confusing attention with affection. 

What I realized, is that attention can be affection too. They're not mutually exclusive, and all I have to do is ask (and shush my inner dialogue) and I can have both.

The loneliness I felt earlier abated and I settled in to what I already have.

*exhale*