Like visiting an old friend, here I am...fingers to keyboard, getting some thoughts out.
I didn't finish the Reverb situation and that's just going to have to be.
3 months have gone by since I was last here, and of course a lot has happened.
A list.
- I walked around in the Mission tonight. It was raining and I was killing some time before I met P. I peeked in the shops and restaurants, and visited an amazing co-op gallery. I found works from one of my favorite artists, and began thinking of ways I can conjure $450 for a framed print.
- It had been a long, long time since I have found myself in that neighborhood. It reminded me of the unique beauty of the City I've chosen, and the familiarity felt wonderful. It felt like home.
- I need to get out further beyond my bubble of work and school.
- Both of which are going really well, by the way.
- I began applying for internships a few weeks ago, taking the next step in my career. It is scary and wonderful all at once, and how much I procrastinated on this is incredibly sobering.
- P and I have created a wonderful friendship over the past few months. We spent Christmas Eve and New Years Eve together, in addition to other outings and it feels really good. I still slip in and out of being aloof when I feel insecure, and as much as I have worked on not feeling attachment to any outcome between us, it's not perfect, and we are currently just friends...that seek each other out and rev each other up.
- He has given me gifts over the past few months. Books that we have talked about. Books are among my favorite gifts, and I love the intimacy of his thoughtfulness.
- It has been a little tough for me to balance the fact that we work together. Over the past few days, I feel like I have been wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I tell myself that it's completely unprofessional-which is another way I am unkindly not letting myself just feel and be in my insecurity when it peeks its head above the surface.
- My dad is doing great. He just moved to the City after living in the same SRO for 25 years. He bought a coffee maker and dishes, and is still stunned by it all. But underneath, I can see that he is delighted.
- A few months ago, I finally told a family member how angry I have been at her for the last 5 years, and I finally had the big emotional release I have been avoiding. What came out of that release was an admission that I left LA and everything in it, not to begin a new life, but to run from the old one. The new life just coincided.
- After that conversation, I stopped running. Now I'm working on not turning my back on my family anymore.
- I'm still standing facing away from them.
- I had an opportunity to join a dear friend in Thailand in December, and I decided not to go, instead choosing to stay close to my commitments at home. The real truth is that I was afraid to go, because of the energy and passion that has always been between us. I was afraid that it might have been wonderful. And fleeting. Or more scarily, not fleeting.
- I feel romantically retarded, and I haven't been doing too much about it.
- Maybe I have been; my ego just doesn't allow me to see it clearly.
Sigh.
That felt good.
xo.
