I was having a lot of trouble processing and thinking over the very emotional days of training yesterday and today.
The certainty I felt previously gave way to fear and judgement. Fear over the unconventional practices that are being taught to us, and judgement over their validity.
I also directed a lot of judgement toward myself over my inability to accept the unknown.
I went to lunch today with the interns in my group, to talk over what we have learned and experienced, and to discuss my feelings over the challenges I felt. It didn't go the way I wanted it to. Initially I felt solidarity and comfort when I heard that they were having the same challenges I was, but I was so dismayed when it turned into a bitch session about the organization, about the staff, about the CEO. I was so uncomfortable with their negativity that I had a really hard time sitting with it.
Even though some of it mirrored what I was feeling, I found that I didn't want my fears and judgements validated. I wanted a different perspective and didn't get it.
I really just wanted and needed someone to listen so I could be heard.
I took all of this to work with me. I walked for an hour before I got there and was able to calm down. I was grateful that I got to be in a place that was familiar and comforting and far beyond my training experience.
I was exhausted though.
P saw me, saw my struggle, and took me out for coffee after work. As we were walking, the first thing he asked me was what was good about my day. I felt relieved and even though I refocused into a more positive frame of mind, I told him that I had a negative experience associated with each of my positive ones.
He looked at me and said, "Let's focus on the good right now. Just for right now."
I breathed and settled in.
When we sat down, I found myself asking all about him - anything to take the focus off of me. He indulged it and answered my questions, and then sat silently, looking at me, waiting.
I launched into everything I was feeling. I don't think I made much sense, but it felt so amazing to watch the reflection of my emotions cross his face as he listened intently.
I so needed this. I've been processing everything on my own, and was so disappointed when I didn't get to do it differently with my professional peers.
What I realized, is that the way I'm going to get through the experience of this internship is to talk about it. I'm feeling the need for community and friendship and I was having a really hard time asking for it, and acknowledging those people who are already in place.
He isn't the only one, but he's an important one. I have so many feelings wrapped up in our relationship, and lately I've been having the really unkind thought that with him, I've been confusing attention with affection.
What I realized, is that attention can be affection too. They're not mutually exclusive, and all I have to do is ask (and shush my inner dialogue) and I can have both.
The loneliness I felt earlier abated and I settled in to what I already have.
*exhale*
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