In Hand. At Heart.

Remember to remember.

I woke up this morning with a lump in my throat, acutely missing my loved ones and feeling very homesick.

This happens fairly often, and particularly during huge moments of transition.

I am so wistful for the opportunities I no longer have to simply make a phone call and sit in front of my nearest and dearest for breakfast, coffee, or a cocktail.

It took a well-timed call from Anna to calm me down and to give me some much needed perspective.

Thank you for reminding me that this is the hustle, and that everyone is just a phone call away. This is so simple, and I forget easily when I get wrapped up in my day to day. So grateful for you, lady.

Tomorrow is my first official day as an MFT intern. There is much to do and much more to not do, so to speak. Really, all I have to do is show up and be grounded, intent on doing my best and making a difference. With those two elements in place, everything else will work out.

I will remember to remember this. 

xo.

Doing it differently.

I was having a lot of trouble processing and thinking over the very emotional days of training yesterday and today.

The certainty I felt previously gave way to fear and judgement. Fear over the unconventional practices that are being taught to us, and judgement over their validity. 

I also directed a lot of judgement toward myself over my inability to accept the unknown.

I went to lunch today with the interns in my group, to talk over what we have learned and experienced, and to discuss my feelings over the challenges I felt. It didn't go the way I wanted it to. Initially I felt solidarity and comfort when I heard that they were having the same challenges I was, but I was so dismayed when it turned into a bitch session about the organization, about the staff, about the CEO. I was so uncomfortable with their negativity that I had a really hard time sitting with it. 

Even though some of it mirrored what I was feeling, I found that I didn't want my fears and judgements validated. I wanted a different perspective and didn't get it.

I really just wanted and needed someone to listen so I could be heard.

I took all of this to work with me. I walked for an hour before I got there and was able to calm down. I was grateful that I got to be in a place that was familiar and comforting and far beyond my training experience.

I was exhausted though. 

P saw me, saw my struggle, and took me out for coffee after work. As we were walking, the first thing he asked me was what was good about my day. I felt relieved and even though I refocused into a more positive frame of mind, I told him that I had a negative experience associated with each of my positive ones.

He looked at me and said, "Let's focus on the good right now. Just for right now."

I breathed and settled in.

When we sat down, I found myself asking all about him - anything to take the focus off of me. He indulged it and answered my questions, and then sat silently, looking at me, waiting.

I launched into everything I was feeling. I don't think I made much sense, but it felt so amazing to watch the reflection of my emotions cross his face as he listened intently.

I so needed this. I've been processing everything on my own, and was so disappointed when I didn't get to do it differently with my professional peers.

What I realized, is that the way I'm going to get through the experience of this internship is to talk about it. I'm feeling the need for community and friendship and I was having a really hard time asking for it, and acknowledging those people who are already in place.

He isn't the only one, but he's an important one. I have so many feelings wrapped up in our relationship, and lately I've been having the really unkind thought that with him, I've been confusing attention with affection. 

What I realized, is that attention can be affection too. They're not mutually exclusive, and all I have to do is ask (and shush my inner dialogue) and I can have both.

The loneliness I felt earlier abated and I settled in to what I already have.

*exhale*

There is a flame.

Today was the first day of an intense training weekend for my internship. 

We are learning about the positioning of the agency within the larger scope of elder care and through an existential therapeutic orientation. 

It's at once overwhelming and so, so satisfying.

There is a huge transpersonal component that exists in this internship, and today I realized that this is the piece I've felt I was missing in my school program.

The school I chose for my Masters degree is a business school. The psychology department was not a part of the original scope and was added years later. I knew this going in, and I've felt associated short-comings.

I wanted a program with an experiential bent, with a cohort and the opportunity for process work. I wanted to delve deep into my own inner world, and develop a heightened awareness of my own feelings and experiences so that I may feel what it's like to be a part of the work with a client. 

What I got was a linear experience with exams and research papers. I have a solid foundation and understanding of what it means to be an MFT from a theoretic and legal perspective, and this is all wonderful - and necessary.

However, because I am admittedly a bit of a control freak, I focused on what was missing. Never mind that the cohort aspect was built in by virtue of being in super-small classes and beginning and ending my program with the same group of people. Never mind that my process work came with beginning my own therapy. Never mind that my being able to delve inward began years ago with the death of my mom.

All of it fit together today.

What I realized is that by way of working with an agency with a wholly unconventional approach to the therapy and care of elders, is that now I get to have the feelings associated with actually practicing. Never mind that the therapeutic frame is far, far from the typical and widely accepted 50 minute session.

I will be working with altered states of consciousness, and I saw today that being with these altered states allows me to be more with my own varying states of consciousness.

There will be more about this as I begin to understand it more, although for now, I feel like there is a flame burning out of the top of my head. :)

xo.

Today it was.

 

I started my first clinical internship on Monday, thus beginning my 3000 hour journey toward MFT licensure. 

I'm interning in a residential care facility for elders.

My feelings over the internship thus far are everything I expected...fear, curiosity, sadness, warmth, excitement. Monday was the first day, and when all of these feelings came up, what I didn't expect was how much time and space I needed to process them. I was exhausted and felt anything but certain.

Today was different.

There hasn't been much structure thus far. My clinical supervisor is easing 8 interns in slowly. Introductions were made to all of the executive staff, the care partners (their name for the men and women - the skilled nurses - who take responsibility for feeding, dressing, grooming, and medicating), and finally the residents. 

There are 2 floors in the facility. The first floor is for those who are mostly independent and can feed and dress themselves. The second floor is for those who are confined to their beds and wheelchairs, who can't get around on their own, and who need constant supervision. Many of the residents overall are non-verbal and most of them are confused. Most have diagnoses of dementia, Alzheimer's, etc. There are also residents who are bi-polar, anxious, and clinically depressed. 

Today I walked around smiling and gently waving to the residents, and found myself in the garden with a man named Charlie. I didn't know why lives there and it wasn't important. We talked about college and jobs, and while he was telling me about the time he spent in Germany after WW2 chasing German women and drinking German beer, a woman came outside. She was easily 80 and scooted along with her walker. She walked right up to where I was sitting and just looked at me. It was clear that she was non-verbal and she was a bit agitated. I smiled and introduced myself and asked her if she wanted to sit down. She sat right next to me, our legs touching, and she grabbed my hand. I asked her if she was having a good day, and she teared up and shook her head. I held her hand for a while and simply looked at her, attempting to (and succeeding) in emanating warmth and friendship. I felt her become calm immediately, and she fell asleep.

In that moment, I felt so grateful about not needing a solution, about not making a decision about anything, about feeling the feeling of simply being present.

It was easy in that moment. To be myself without fear or trepidation.

It won't always be like this, but today it was.

To be continued.

xo.