So much.

I feel overwhelmed, I feel anxious, I feel sad. 

I feel grateful, I feel patient, I feel capable...when I let myself.

This journey is huge. Spending time with elders is everything and nothing like what I expected. I am given a lot of opportunities to process with my own therapy, individual supervision, and group supervision, and there is a lot coming up for me. Dying, death, loss, sadness.

I'm having a hard time learning where to put it all.

I talked about this in my own therapy and my therapist asked me if I had someone that I could call at the end of the day to check in about what's going on and what I'm feeling. 

I do and I don't. The other interns in my cohort have offered to talk outside of our responsibilities and there just hasn't been the time yet. Or if I'm being really honest, I haven't been able to reach out yet.

My way of processing is to internalize my feelings, work them out, and then express them when I already have a solution. 

I think I may have mentioned that that isn't working. :)

I realized that the last person I had daily check-ins with, where I was able to simply talk about hard transitions and my feelings and the things that we coming up, was my mom.

6 years ago.

I would call her every day on my way home from my big corporate gig and just unload about how hard it was, and how much I was learning, and how I felt, and what was challenging. There was no processing beforehand because she was my mom and I could be candid.

6 years ago.

I feel unbelievably sad about that.

Unbearably sad.

I fucked up royally on my schedule yesterday. There was a brunch planned where the interns had the opportunity to meet the families of the people we are working with. Where they had the chance to meet us.

There are multiple residential communities throughout the Bay Area, and for some unknown reason, I showed up on time in San Francisco, when I was supposed to be in Oakland. I called and let them know that there was no way I was going to make it over there and spent the rest of my day feeling horrible. Am I too overwhelmed to do this? Is there room in my life to take on this internship? Am I even capable?

I showed up this morning (this time, in the right place) and felt so anxious and embarrassed. My supervisor immediately made light of it and told me that it wasn't the end of the world; that there would be many other chances to meet the families.

I felt slightly better, breathed a sigh, and went about my day...intent on making the most of it.

Later, during my supervision (my supervisor and I meet for an hour to discuss my thoughts and feelings about the internship) she asked me how I was doing, and I told her about how I was beating myself up, and about how anxious I felt.

She just looked at me and said, "You look really sad to me. That's what I'm picking up from you."

I broke down.

I told her that being among these elders in this building feels so sad. That the loss is unbearable. That I don't know what to do about how I'm feeling. That there is so much grief coming up over my mom. Grief that I realizing I've done a lot of work not to feel.

She then told me that there are some interns who have a very hard time adjusting because of how sensitive they are.

"Energetically sensitive, highly intuitive, and feeling," she quickly added, sensing I was about to take out a hammer to beat myself over the head with.

We then talked about my self-care and she made suggestions over how I can cope. 

She said that rituals will become important. Going outside at the same time everyday, taking a walk, coming home and showering, talking to someone everyday.

She then suggested that I go to grief counseling, specifically for daughters who have lost their mothers. 

I left with a ton of resources...and the feeling of how hard it already felt to surrender to doing something like that.

However, I know and feel that if I don't, I may not get through this year intact.

So much.

Comments

[Jason Toney]

There are ears over here for listening when you need it, Fel.

[Lainie]

Thank you so much for sharing this, Felicia. I think all of my friends (myself included) do such a great job of coping with loss and sadness that sometimes it feels like I'm doing it all wrong or just being wimpy when I need to express both the big and little anxieties and sadnesses that I have on a daily basis. I totally appreciate it when someone else exposes that they are just as scared and sad sometimes as I am. HUG. I hope you are able to reach out to those around you and get the support I'm sure they are dying to give you.