In Hand. At Heart.

#resound11: Theme Song

If your life was a television show, what would its theme song be? What music would be cued at the start of the show or when you entered a scene?

Think about this past year. Is there a song that you've heard that has really struck a chord, one that has spoken to you? Maybe there's a song that goes along with your one word for 2011. Maybe there is a song that you've heard that instantly cheers you up or makes you think of a special moment that happened this year?

 

Ben Harper was a huge part of my musical world this year, and here are the three songs that reflect this most deeply.

 

#1 Where Could I Go

 

The band began fully plugged in. It was the first time I had heard this song, as I was not yet familiar with the gospel in Ben Harper's repertoire. He powerfully sang a few verses into the microphone, and then stepped to the edge of the stage. I was there, standing in the middle, one person back. (You can see my head if you really want to.)

All of us in the audience looked at each other as Ben Harper stood with eyes closed, his toes touching the edge. And then he leaned his head back and sang and sang and sang. Without a microphone. His voice filled up the entire Warfield in ways that I could feel. The audience was at once dumbstruck and dumbfounded, with chills dancing up our spines. It was an amazing moment to be a part of and it absolutely changed me. 

 

#2 Lifeline

 

 

Life is much too short to sit and wonder
Who's gonna make the next move and will slowly pull you under when you've always got something
to prove?

I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?

You say that I misheard you but I think you misspoke
I hear you laugh so loudly while I patiently await the joke

I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?
The lifeline, the lifeline

It's a crime with only victims
We're all laid out in a row
It's hardest to listen to what we already should know

I could hold out for a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for your lifeline?
The lifeline, your lifeline, the lifeline

 

 

Initially, I held someone else in my mind as I listened to this song. Someone who over the past year, I have developed deep feelings for. However, as the year wore on and I began to admit the fear and great hesitancy I have over letting him know how I feel, my perspective shifted and I listened differently to these lyrics, as if they were written for me, by me. 

 

#3 In the Colors

 

I will dance to this one at my wedding. 

#resound11: Super Power

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound ... we know you've got one. What's your 2011 superpower?

 

My hustle became very intense this year. With school, two jobs, and an internship, my hustle became my story and it was a way I could validate being so tired and checked out of social engagements, and unable to travel home as much as I wanted to. 

I handled my hustle mightily this year, and my body's ability to move me through all of my responsibilities felt like the stuff of greatness.

However, my super power in 2011 is decidedly not my hustle.

How droll.

As I became grounded in the emotional components of my internship and what it was calling forth in me, I became aware of something powerful in me very quickly.

The first time it happened was when I was sitting with a woman named Shirley. She was bed ridden, unable to speak, and in an indeterminable amount of constant pain.

I was intimidated by not having a traditional feedback loop with her. I could not depend on the cues I was used to through language and body movement. All she could do was look at me.

As I sat there, I felt all of my anxiety and uncertainty and fear, and willed it all to fade away. The moment was not only about me. It was able being there with her, being present with her.

It was a physical sensation. As my apprehension melted away, I looked at Shirley and she looked at me. And I felt myself drop into a purely feeling place. This place exists just below the level of tactile experience, and I discovered that getting there was easy for me.

In this place, I could feel Shirley. I could feel her thoughts and emotions, and I could transmit information. She was agitated by her pain, and as I sat there in this place with her, I let her know I understood. I acknowledged her great amount of pain, and let her know that in the moment we shared, we could be calm and peaceful, no matter how fleeting.

I felt her shift with me, and I began to get to know this fascinating person. 

All without words.

My super power is this deep reservoir of calm and feeling that I learned to access willingly. In this place, I am able to communicate through feeling, and I learned how to understand the information that is transmitted between others in this other state of awareness.

I am learning what it means and how it feels to be fully present with other person and it is absolutely the most super powerful thing I experienced in 2011.

#resound11: Virtues

What good have you done in 2011? Where do you really shine? What have you done that makes you proud of yourself?

 

The most delightful bit of good I did in 2011 was fulfilling my awesome responsibilities as the "Day Of" person at #nerdwedding2011.

In the weeks leading up to this joyous affair, I was curious over how I was going to be able to contribute because this event was a really big deal. Yes, because it was a destination wedding. Yes, because many of my beloved loved ones were going to be there. And, what made it the biggest deal of all, was that it involved one of my most favorite people. 

I've known Jason for over 20 years, and it meant the world to me to see and feel how he had found the love of his life.

It gave me hope. It made him shine. 

It was a huge thing for me to witness.

When he asked me to handle all of the day of details pertaining to the venue, the food, the guests, the staff...I freaked out. A little bit. On the inside.

And I said yes instantly.

And it was amazing. 

I was amazing. 

The day of, I remember flitting from here to there. I remember talking to the restaurant staff repeatedly about this, that, and the other thing...especially the chairs and seating. (Oh god, was there going to be enough for the grandmas and the extended fam? Oh shit, what was it about that second table?)

What I remember the most vividly was meeting Jason and Tiffany, the wedding party, and their parents as soon as they arrived, right before the ceremony.

I remember Tiffany's face, a little wide-eyed, and absolutely beautiful.

I remember Jason's face, a little wide-eyed, and his huge smile, so familiar to me after all the years of knowing him.

I remember Dominique, looking at me and saying how calm I was.

I remember Phyllis' face, utterly delighted.

I remember Kevin's face, totally bemused as he captured everything in that moment with his camera.

I remember letting all of them know that everything was handled, that it was all going to be okay. I remember the feeling of peace that washed over me as my intention for the ceremony to go off without a hitch settled into a certainty.

This is one thing I did in 2011 that I am extremely proud of. 

Thank you. <3

#resound11: Vices

Did you slip back into any old habits that you wish you hadn't? Did you gain any new habits that you wish you would have walked away from? Did you discover the evils of Nutella? 'Fess up ... we won't tell.

I quit smoking this year. It was my first attempt, and the first time I had ever gotten close to even wanting to. 

I enjoy smoking. I always have. I am aware of the dangers, and I am classically cliche in that I continued without abatement.

To be very honest, the desire to quit was actually a need to, as a result of a very intense cold that sidelined me for a few weeks. 

I lasted 3 weeks before I succumbed again to this habit, this vice.

 

I wanted the stress-relief I attributed to smoking, and I told myself that the level of stress I was feeling was enough of a reason to continue.

Apparently it was. 

 

#resound11: One Word

What is one word to describe your 2011? Why does that word sum up your year?

 

Compassion.

My 2011 feels like it was split into two parts: "Before Internship" and "After Internship." Both are wrought with shifting ideas of what it means to be compassionate to myself, and learning how to honor my deep compassion for others.

"Before Internship" was about me beating myself up over a lot, all the time, and not feeling good enough or deserving of the many things I desire from my life. To be fair, there were also many shining moments this year when I accepted my greatness. But what is most apparent to me looking back is how having compassion for myself, my pursuits, my challenges, my successes, was not a conscious choice. It was something I had to be reminded of, and usually when all the chips were down and I couldn't take it any more. 

"After Internship" feels very different. There is so much that I experience by spending time with people who are at or near the end of their life. The sadness and fear is a given, although consider how the experience of those feelings is shaped by the addition of brain damage and dementia. 

To survive, I immediately became aware of my invisible but familiar habit of being cruel to myself. It became very apparent how little compassion I extend inward on a regular basis.

To survive the emotionality that is being called forth, my awareness shifted into a practice. A practice that began with tuning into my inner dialog. It is evolving by acknowledging that being a therapist is what I am meant to do.

What I am called to do. 

It continues with the repetition of "I am enough."