What is one word to describe your 2011? Why does that word sum up your year?
Compassion.
My 2011 feels like it was split into two parts: "Before Internship" and "After Internship." Both are wrought with shifting ideas of what it means to be compassionate to myself, and learning how to honor my deep compassion for others.
"Before Internship" was about me beating myself up over a lot, all the time, and not feeling good enough or deserving of the many things I desire from my life. To be fair, there were also many shining moments this year when I accepted my greatness. But what is most apparent to me looking back is how having compassion for myself, my pursuits, my challenges, my successes, was not a conscious choice. It was something I had to be reminded of, and usually when all the chips were down and I couldn't take it any more.
"After Internship" feels very different. There is so much that I experience by spending time with people who are at or near the end of their life. The sadness and fear is a given, although consider how the experience of those feelings is shaped by the addition of brain damage and dementia.
To survive, I immediately became aware of my invisible but familiar habit of being cruel to myself. It became very apparent how little compassion I extend inward on a regular basis.
To survive the emotionality that is being called forth, my awareness shifted into a practice. A practice that began with tuning into my inner dialog. It is evolving by acknowledging that being a therapist is what I am meant to do.
What I am called to do.
It continues with the repetition of "I am enough."
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