I have so much in my head all the time and writing is one of my most satisfying outlets. I haven't been choosing it lately, and that will just...be.
Here's a list, an update, an admission, a record of right now.
1. I'm over-committed and there isn't a visible end to it yet. I feel burnt.
2. The emotional transition that I thought had reached it's zenith a while ago is still in progress and I no longer feel that there is an end to it. Which, while vastly intimidating, is also oddly encouraging. No matter how difficult it feels, it still feels like I am exactly where I need to be.
3. This transition centers around me speaking my truth and being fully expressed to others about my feelings and needs. I've acknowledged my fear of this before, however for the first time, I am allowing myself to really feel it, and it's terrifying.
4. It's also exhilarating because I'm closer than ever before to making the changes I need to.
5. A stranger climbed through my kitchen window two weeks ago and stole my purse. It was in the middle of the night and I was in my apartment, 3 feet away from this person, asleep. The vulnerability of that moment is hard to shake, and my safe place, my respite, no longer feels the same. On the 3rd day after it happened, I forced myself to turn off the night light and become unfettered by my fear. It worked insofar as I slept, although it has come with the cost of being tired and ill at ease. I expect these feelings will pass, as I am willing them to...although I am pissed off and frightened that it happened. While I don't believe that someone will come into my home again, thoughts of what didn't happen, what I narrowly escaped, are all around me when I am here.
6. I re-injured my knee after 15 years of no issues. It happened in a passive moment, as I shifted in my chair. Searing, hot pain flared as my knee shifted out of place. It barely slowed me down (did I mention that I was over-committed?), and I am grateful for my body's ability to get me through my day. However, emotionally, this injury has shifted me. I no longer have the same confidence in my body, and I have become hyper-aware of how I treat it.
7. I've slipped off of every conscious food choice I was making and have eaten every bit of sugar and bread within my radius that is not nailed down. My pants are tight. What's different is that I'm beating myself up (slightly) less, and just letting it be. I've always used food for comfort, and I've acknowledged that right now, I need a lot of fucking comfort.
8. This will not stand. There are other ways to comfort myself.
9. I'm completely twisted over my friendship with P. We've continued to spend a lot of time together, and I've continued to have feelings for him...and reignite a pattern that I set in place with all the men I am interested in. I shape shift into the amounts of intimacy and care I receive and tell myself that it's enough, when it's absolutely not. I analyze and dissect moments and find reasons to hang in there, to believe that friendship is enough, and most foolishly, to wait for it to turn into more.
A few weeks ago, we went out to dinner in North Beach and sat at one of the outdoor cafes on Columbus Avenue. It was the first time either of us had done that, and as we settled into our meals I realized that we were essentially on a date. We were on our best behavior with one another, table manners fully intact. We were shy at first but quickly delved into personal topics and spaces.
He has been explicitly clear to me about not wanting to be in a relationship. He has spoken of his fear of it, his hesitancy, his inability. This conversation occurred weeks ago and I stuck in there, telling myself that the connection we have was enough to justify me settling for just enough. And yet, here I was. Across the table from this man I adore, giving the moment all of me. My kindness, my humor, my intelligence. Those elements were reciprocated, however I realized that those parts of me are too much to give to a person who cannot and will not be more to me. Because it closes the door to anyone else, and makes it more difficult for me to believe that there is a man out there who is my match without me having to make compromises and justifications to fit the space he holds for me.
10. I've begun to shift out of our friendship. It's been messy and confusing, and sometimes I can't do it without being a bitch. This feels terrible and the piece that it missing is telling him why this shift has occurred.
11. It scares me to be that vulnerable and honest even though it's the right thing to do.
12. #11 applies to many other areas in my life.
13. I have intimacy issues, duh.
14. I also create mighty evidence to the contrary.
15. I miss my LA and my friends.
16. I graduated in December with a 3.8, and I am damn proud of having a Masters degree in Psychology.
17. I'm amazing.
18. I promise to say that more.
xo.
