In Hand. At Heart.

There is a flame.

Today was the first day of an intense training weekend for my internship. 

We are learning about the positioning of the agency within the larger scope of elder care and through an existential therapeutic orientation. 

It's at once overwhelming and so, so satisfying.

There is a huge transpersonal component that exists in this internship, and today I realized that this is the piece I've felt I was missing in my school program.

The school I chose for my Masters degree is a business school. The psychology department was not a part of the original scope and was added years later. I knew this going in, and I've felt associated short-comings.

I wanted a program with an experiential bent, with a cohort and the opportunity for process work. I wanted to delve deep into my own inner world, and develop a heightened awareness of my own feelings and experiences so that I may feel what it's like to be a part of the work with a client. 

What I got was a linear experience with exams and research papers. I have a solid foundation and understanding of what it means to be an MFT from a theoretic and legal perspective, and this is all wonderful - and necessary.

However, because I am admittedly a bit of a control freak, I focused on what was missing. Never mind that the cohort aspect was built in by virtue of being in super-small classes and beginning and ending my program with the same group of people. Never mind that my process work came with beginning my own therapy. Never mind that my being able to delve inward began years ago with the death of my mom.

All of it fit together today.

What I realized is that by way of working with an agency with a wholly unconventional approach to the therapy and care of elders, is that now I get to have the feelings associated with actually practicing. Never mind that the therapeutic frame is far, far from the typical and widely accepted 50 minute session.

I will be working with altered states of consciousness, and I saw today that being with these altered states allows me to be more with my own varying states of consciousness.

There will be more about this as I begin to understand it more, although for now, I feel like there is a flame burning out of the top of my head. :)

xo.

Today it was.

 

I started my first clinical internship on Monday, thus beginning my 3000 hour journey toward MFT licensure. 

I'm interning in a residential care facility for elders.

My feelings over the internship thus far are everything I expected...fear, curiosity, sadness, warmth, excitement. Monday was the first day, and when all of these feelings came up, what I didn't expect was how much time and space I needed to process them. I was exhausted and felt anything but certain.

Today was different.

There hasn't been much structure thus far. My clinical supervisor is easing 8 interns in slowly. Introductions were made to all of the executive staff, the care partners (their name for the men and women - the skilled nurses - who take responsibility for feeding, dressing, grooming, and medicating), and finally the residents. 

There are 2 floors in the facility. The first floor is for those who are mostly independent and can feed and dress themselves. The second floor is for those who are confined to their beds and wheelchairs, who can't get around on their own, and who need constant supervision. Many of the residents overall are non-verbal and most of them are confused. Most have diagnoses of dementia, Alzheimer's, etc. There are also residents who are bi-polar, anxious, and clinically depressed. 

Today I walked around smiling and gently waving to the residents, and found myself in the garden with a man named Charlie. I didn't know why lives there and it wasn't important. We talked about college and jobs, and while he was telling me about the time he spent in Germany after WW2 chasing German women and drinking German beer, a woman came outside. She was easily 80 and scooted along with her walker. She walked right up to where I was sitting and just looked at me. It was clear that she was non-verbal and she was a bit agitated. I smiled and introduced myself and asked her if she wanted to sit down. She sat right next to me, our legs touching, and she grabbed my hand. I asked her if she was having a good day, and she teared up and shook her head. I held her hand for a while and simply looked at her, attempting to (and succeeding) in emanating warmth and friendship. I felt her become calm immediately, and she fell asleep.

In that moment, I felt so grateful about not needing a solution, about not making a decision about anything, about feeling the feeling of simply being present.

It was easy in that moment. To be myself without fear or trepidation.

It won't always be like this, but today it was.

To be continued.

xo.

 

A list.

Like visiting an old friend, here I am...fingers to keyboard, getting some thoughts out.

I didn't finish the Reverb situation and that's just going to have to be. 

3 months have gone by since I was last here, and of course a lot has happened.

A list.

1. I walked around in the Mission tonight. It was raining and I was killing some time before I met P. I peeked in the shops and restaurants, and visited an amazing co-op gallery. I found works from one of my favorite artists, and began thinking of ways I can conjure $450 for a framed print. 
2. It had been a long, long time since I have found myself in that neighborhood. It reminded me of the unique beauty of the City I've chosen, and the familiarity felt wonderful. It felt like home.
3. I need to get out further beyond my bubble of work and school.
4. Both of which are going really well, by the way.
5. I began applying for internships a few weeks ago, taking the next step in my career. It is scary and wonderful all at once, and how much I procrastinated on this is incredibly sobering. 
6. P and I have created a wonderful friendship over the past few months. We spent Christmas Eve and New Years Eve together, in addition to other outings and it feels really good. I still slip in and out of being aloof when I feel insecure, and as much as I have worked on not feeling attachment to any outcome between us, it's not perfect, and we are currently just friends...that seek each other out and rev each other up.
7. He has given me gifts over the past few months. Books that we have talked about. Books are among my favorite gifts, and I love the intimacy of his thoughtfulness.
8. It has been a little tough for me to balance the fact that we work together. Over the past few days, I feel like I have been wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I tell myself that it's completely unprofessional-which is another way I am unkindly not letting myself just feel and be in my insecurity when it peeks its head above the surface.
9. My dad is doing great. He just moved to the City after living in the same SRO for 25 years. He bought a coffee maker and dishes, and is still stunned by it all. But underneath, I can see that he is delighted.
10. A few months ago, I finally told a family member how angry I have been at her for the last 5 years, and I finally had the big emotional release I have been avoiding. What came out of that release was an admission that I left LA and everything in it, not to begin a new life, but to run from the old one. The new life just coincided. 
11. After that conversation, I stopped running. Now I'm working on not turning my back on my family anymore.
12. I'm still standing facing away from them.
13. I had an opportunity to join a dear friend in Thailand in December, and I decided not to go, instead choosing to stay close to my commitments at home. The real truth is that I was afraid to go, because of the energy and passion that has always been between us. I was afraid that it might have been wonderful. And fleeting. Or more scarily, not fleeting.
14. I feel romantically retarded, and I haven't been doing too much about it.
15. Maybe I have been; my ego just doesn't allow me to see it clearly.

Sigh.

That felt good. 

xo.

Community

December 7 - Community

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

 

In past years I have held very tightly to my beliefs over what I think a community should look like. In 2010, I discovered that my notions about community have evolved and are fluid; and that being a part of one means simply means giving love and asking for it. 

This year, my strongest community has been where I work.

I am in an industry that requires me to be gentle, present, warm, and supportive...and this is not by accident. Working with people who give and receive massage has meant that I get to develop an understanding of what it feels like for a person to be in their body, and I get to encourage people to incorporate body work into their lives. 

This scenario is at inherent odds to who I am currently because I am not "in" my body as much as I can be, and often my body is the reason I am most cruel to myself. However, I am a part of a business, and our success is in part contingent on the contributions I make. So I have had to go deep into my inner world and my process to find the purpose of encouraging others to get massage and to do those things that encapsulate what I struggle with on the daily, like becoming one with my physical person and allowing another to see and feel me when I am at my most vulnerable.

So everyday I show up and be present. Some days are awesome, and one particular day was decidedly not awesome. 

I was feeling stretched to my limits of stress and tolerance on this day and I sat in the break room feeling lonesome, weepy and inarticulate. Marisol sat next to me and put her arms around me. I let her hold me, which was so tough because Hey man! I got this! I can handle it! 

Right. That's why one snippy interaction a few minutes before turned me into a puddle. 

She felt my struggle and pulled away slightly and said, "I had no idea how hard it was for you to ask for support." 

My body fell slack, and I surrendered.

"Don't you think it's curious that you've chosen to be a psychotherapist which requires you to only support others, while not being able to develop support reciprocally?"

I nodded.

"How are you going to do this and be there for others if you can't ask others to be there for you?"

I shrugged.

She held me tighter and waited.

And then it came...the tidal wave of the thoughts and feelings that I had been holding onto that day. I told her that I had lost my balance. That all of my time was devoted to work and school and volunteering and that during any free moment I had, I was sitting at home making little effort to connect with others. I told her that I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by people I am grateful to call friends and yet I wasn't doing much to spend time with any of them and do things that fill me up. I was empty and bereft and it felt terrible. 

"Okay, so what do you need?"

I told her that everything I needed happened during that moment in the break room. 

I needed to be seen and felt and I needed to ask for support.

I am on a path and there are people beside me, ready to love and support me.

This is community and I am already surrounded by it. At work, in school, and with those I hold nearest and dearest.

Moving forward in 2011, I intend to acknowledge where community is present in my life, instead of judging it when it doesn't look the way I think it should.

And I pledge to participate in it...instead of going at it alone. 

xo.

Make

December 6 - Make

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Well, I made myself coffee this morning. I used beans, water, a contraption, and electricity. 

Alright, alright. I'll give in to you, obtuse prompt. 

I began this year with the intention of making a vision board. I had a few friends over for New Years and we all had the materials to make it so, and I even got as far as amassing a huge pile of magazine clippings I intended to use. 

And then I just couldn't be bothered to finish it.

I began to use my Tumblr as a place to compile images, songs, and sayings that inspired me, and it's awesome, although I don't have the tactile experience of making something with my own two hands. (Mouse clicking and keyboard tapping don't count for some reason.)

I equate "making" with a touchable experience where I get my hands in it, literally. Funny thing, this. Because if I widen my perspective, I "make" things all the time. I write, I schedule, I present, I connect, I support. All of these actions lend themselves to making, creating something. These somethings may not be tangible in a traditional sense, but they're there.

The thing is, obtuse prompt, is that I do not allow any extra time in my schedule to fulfill many artistic endeavors.

And the real truth is I want to. 

Let Go

December 5 - Let Go

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I feel like I hold on to a lot. I know I do. Ideas and notions of how it should be, how it was, and how I want it to be. 

This year I let go of the anger and trepidation I've felt toward my mom's family. 

I put as much distance as I could between me and them over the past 5 years. I felt angry and sad, and clouded by memories of her that I told myself I couldn't handle. I felt frustration and despair over the wide open space between all of us that existed before she died and that widened into a chasm afterwards. I felt fury over issues of money and lack of responsibility.

But mostly I was just overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to go at it alone, without them.

This space between us? I've always known that I was the one who created that. I ran from any reminders of my mom...seeing her in the faces of my family, having to talk about her, remember her, and ultimately face just how much I miss her. How much I desperately miss her. I told myself that it would be easier to go on without staying connected to her family, my family. That by moving away and not being in touch, my going at it alone meant that I could cope better with her being gone.

Well, I coped. And it was fucking lonely.

This year I decided that I didn't want to isolate myself from them any longer. So I went to a wedding in April and all of my mom's brothers and sisters were there, save one. I let myself go back into the fold of family.

They were there the whole time, waiting patiently for me. 

Time and distance has certainly changed things. What hasn't changed are the ties that bind us. This year I let go of the distance and embraced the world of acceptance that exists in the space between us.

Wonder

December 4 - Wonder

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

When I traveled 3 years ago, I became very connected to what "wonder" felt like. Everything was unfamiliar and I made a conscious choice to find it all delightful because otherwise it might have all been awful. It was lonely business being by myself for months, and my sense of wonder sustained me. More than that, it made it possible for me to drop the jaded perspective of people and places that I had spent years cultivating.

This year, I worked diligently to maintain this wonder. It didn't always work perfectly, but what worked the most was stepping outside, putting my feet to the pavement, and walking. 

One of the many reasons I moved to San Francisco was to live in a beautiful place, and it never ceases to amaze me just how diversely gorgeous this city is.

When I look forward, I see hills. When I look up, I see trees and architecture that take my breath away. When I look to the side, I see the people I am sharing this space I chose with. 

And when I look behind me, I see just how far I have come. 

xo.

Moment

December 3 - Moment

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

(This. After reading this prompt I felt intimidated by this Reverb10 situation and I shut down. I couldn't think of one moment that encapsulated the prompt. Initially I felt a little bereft of experience, which led to thoughts of whether or not I was doing it right. "It" meaning living my life. Now, intellectually I know that there is no right or wrong way to do me, however thoughts of whether I'm doing enough, saying enough, giving enough, taking enough...these. These are always in my head.)

You know what, though? F*ck that. 

So here I am with some catching up to do. 

My Moment in 2010 where I felt most alive is actually a collection of instances, some drawn out, some fleeting. The moments where I felt most alive this year were when I was being honest with others and myself...without feeling my longtime companion of fear.

These moments resonated in my person completely. I stood up a little straighter, leveled my gaze, and pushed my shoulders back. My voice rang out clear and true, and my body felt rooted to the ground and intrinsically connected to the world around me.

I became more conscious of those moments this year, and in doing so, it became easier and more "right" to be in them.

xo.

All You Need Is Love

 

Needed the reminder and got it. 

<3

You Are Not Alone

 

Here is an acoustic version of the title track of Mavis Staples' most recent record. 

She continues to be absolutely amazing, and this song haunts me in the most delicious way.

xo.